@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
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@Skoogeth: [inventing the squirrel] angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else? god: make em sneaky poopers angel: wut? god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No.
@IamEnidColeslaw: I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples
@Mr_Kapowski: *shaking wife awake* Me: Hey, just wanted to let you know, stop screaming, the heater is broken so that’s why I’m wearing this ski mask