@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
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@ofcourseyoudid: Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage
@EricMarten: It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
@Awesome_Todd: Never run with scissors. Unless... • You stole them • You're running a 400 meter scissor relay • You're being chased by giant paper dolls
@saucy_peaches: Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married