@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
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@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
@juliussharpe: Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don't want to look at you.
@WheelTod: *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter "Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don't learn how to spell."