“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”