@KngHnryVIII: If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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@EJGomez: dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
@9to5Life: I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
@AthenaMystique: *texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.