If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg