If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
True
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.