@daveexplosm: If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
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@AnOrangeSNES: [Standing still for a picture] I guess you can say I'm *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
@Freudianscript: Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
@MrsGoose69: Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood.... I saw the photos - we need to talk.
@MatCro: NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*