If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.