If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Ah yes. The three genders
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.