If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad