“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
do horses think humans are hats
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You have been warned.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.