*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*