Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Clients after you give them your rates
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Mornin
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father