I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute