If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
saving face 👀
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.