If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes