If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
the saddest jazz hands ever
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat