Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language