Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”