If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park