@MandiAtRandom: If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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@NYC_Blonde: Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
@juliussharpe: At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
@stonedcoldlazy: Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who've pissed me off!