If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.