If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.