I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean