The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Expect the unexporcupine.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.