@foxnerdrn: If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.
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@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!
@JaneBadall: "I'd hit that." Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.
@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*