@foxnerdrn: If he doesn't sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he's not as into you as I am.
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@NYC_Blonde: Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own.
@AimeeHelene1: It's just a flesh wound... *looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with* *looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
@Bez: When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.
@nbadag: [commercial] WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim? NARRATOR: geese