Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Wikigenius
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house