if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it