If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?