@naderdagher: If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
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@Hobo_Splendido: The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.
@kelkulus: The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.
@djdarrellripley: Her: You are so rude... I just hate you sometimes. When you die I'm gonna dance on your grave! Me: Not with those fat ankles!
@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.