@naderdagher: If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
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@RalstonReports: Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
@garrettbarry70: [Christmas shopping] Me. "I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?" Her. "Ok but I'm keeping the house"
@david_tull: Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what's going on.