doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Ken is short for chicken
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?