If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

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@naderdagher: If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

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@Beatonm5: ...a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck..., if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@sofarrsogud: 3 AM BRAIN: You awake? ME: I am now! B: I was wondering.. M: B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

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@RedheadChaos: Him: Do you swallow? Me: Every time I chew.

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@jonnysun: HILLARY: donald-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: …trump-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: [smiling serenely] …is good TRUMP: --wrong. nno wait. nno. no, no

@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

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