@beisswrandon: If he says "you're 1 in a million" it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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@chrisanna4real: My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I'm not drink. Drank. Drunk.
@NamestartswithZ: Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I'm still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
@Nahdude83: [10 mins into couples therapy] Therapist: I cannot help you two. Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen! T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!
@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.