If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.