Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Aaaa…CHOO!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Just grow your own
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts