If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
crying
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.