If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
it be like that
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Vodka burrito was a success
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes