If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Who knew!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
a god among men
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!