Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You know…for fall…
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do