My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.