If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Good news
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.