If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it