If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.