@heatherlou_: If his selfie doesn't make you kegal, you're just not that into him.
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@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"
@HeidiGolightly: Do I still have feelings for my ex husband? Yes. I think "stabby" is a feeling, right?
@JimmerThatisAll: It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
@Jmboyd58: When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.