@heatherlou_: If his selfie doesn't make you kegal, you're just not that into him.
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@doktorj: "Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
@HelloCullen: I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."