If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
One of the best
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.