If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
You Might Also Like
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Meow
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…