me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive