me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh