If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”