If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you鈥檙e the dumbest in your friend group
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My brain doesn鈥檛 sea typos until I鈥檝e already hit send.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What鈥檚 the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 馃槀馃槶
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it鈥檚 pretty much encouraged
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT鈥橲 TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN鈥橳 MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN鈥橳 CATCH ME
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of