@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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@notalogin: *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats* Guy who's about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@dumbbeezie: My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I'll probably live a long life. I'm taking the news pretty hard
@TheToddWilliams: [boxing match] ANNOUNCER: ...and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy "The Baby" Sanchez CHAMP: That's a real baby TRAINER: You got this
@Death_Buddy: [spider's junk email folder] -TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$ -HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU -TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY