If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.