@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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@Mama_in_heels: My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
@BrettDruck: They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.