If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Sharon I have some bad news
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP