you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
We all have our pet causes.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass