“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows