If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you