if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Dammit Chief not again
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.