If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
You Might Also Like
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I like long walks away from everyone
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.