if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then