if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
You Might Also Like
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…